Jessica Simpson Ain't No Daisy Duke

It seems that many of you numbskulls still don’t know my history or the history of The Dukes of Hazzard in general. How sad. In my own particular case, having gone into hiding with all my liquor money, only to surface after many years of inactivity and expert gluttony, my own people even get confused about my glorious past. If it weren’t for the history lesson at Heather’s Dukes of Hazzard Page or all that usefull information at Cousin Don’s Dukes of Hazzard Page, most of you folks woulda already forgotten my name!

Especially with that BLASTED Dukes of Hazzard Movie comin out in August, many of you folks don’t know nothin, about nothin about Me or Rosco or them Duke Boys or Daisy Duke.

Come to think about it, yesterday I got wind that Jessica Simpson was gonna try and be some kind of Daisy Duke herself!




That dim witted corporate sock puppet couldn’t tie Daisy Duke’s shoes; she couldn’t live for a second with those duke boys or Uncle Jessy without peeing in her underwear and runnin for the hills, ..much less have the brains to wait tables at the Boars Nest like my Daisy. Jessica Simpson….. what a joke. What a travesty.

New Soundboards up

Ladies and gents, things have been shakin and bakin here in the trailor-home dukesounds nerve center. (behind the Boars Nest) Just last week Enos loaded up our new Rosco Soundboard page with all them audio sounds, and last night he finished up our new Daisy Duke Soundboard.

Lulu and I are gonna take a little vacation over in Higgins Swamp. Overseein all this developin of websites has been most stressfull.

A letter from Cooter

Boss Hogg here. Cooter wanted me to pass on this letter to you all in cybered space, whatever the heck that is..



I thought this would be a good time to let everybody know my feelings about the upcoming "Dukes of Hazzard" feature film, since if it weren't for the "Dukes" fans, our show would have been long since "put out to pasture." The folks who love our show have kept it alive and well, despite the lack of respect it has been shown by "Hollywood."

Websites like ours have been an extraordinary means of communication for the "Dukes" community. The power of the internet has enabled us to not only keep the show viable, but to help make it a hit show all over again. CMT is getting record ratings and the kids of America think it is a new show. In our business, it doesn't get much better than that.

Like our fans, those of us who worked on the show have a special affection for it. For over 25 years we have cared about it, nourished it, and fought for it. And it seems to me that it is time for us to have our voices heard again.
From all I have seen and heard, the "Dukes" movie is a sleazy insult to all of us who have cared about the "Dukes of Hazzard" for so long.

You probably know that the creators of this film wanted absolutely nothing to do with the original members of the cast. Doesn't that seem strange to you, given how popular our show is right now, and how popular our cast still is? After all, our huge success for so many years is the reason they are making the film, and the film, after all, is about us.

In the last few years I reckon I've done many hundreds of interviews around the country on radio and television and for dozens of newspapers. I always tell them that ours is a classic family show with positive values, great action, wonderful slapstick comedy, mighty fine country music, and a very gifted cast who had great chemistry. America could tell that we were clearly enjoying what we were doing and for that hour folks could forget their troubles and just have fun along with us. It is exactly the kind of entertainment that families crave right now.

Lately most of the interviewers want to know my opinion of the "movie" version that is coming out in August. I've always tried to be candid with my opinions, and when it comes to this film, I think it would be a mistake for me to pull the punches. Like you, I haven't seen the film, but I have read the script, I've talked to a lot of people who worked on the set, and I've seen the raunchy t.v. commercial. Frankly, I think the whole project shows an arrogant disrespect for our show, for our cast, for America's families, and for the sensibilities of the heartland of our country.

Unless they clean it up before the August 5th release date I would strongly up. And whatever you do, don't take any youngsters to see it. As plain as I can put it, the only thing this movie shares with our show is the title. Oh, they do have the General Lee flying through the air, although according to the New York Times, they didn't even use stunt drivers.

Sure it bothers me that they wanted nothing to do with the cast of our show, but what bothers me much more is the profanity laced script with blatant sexual situations that mocks the good clean family values of our series.

Now, anybody who knows me knows that I'm not a prude. But this kind of toilet humor has no place in Hazzard County. Rather than honoring our legendary show, they have chosen to degrade it.

When CMT brought our series back on the air in February of this year, 23 million viewers tuned in on that first weekend. Very few, if any, movies have ever matched those kind of numbers for an opening weekend. Our show is a hit right now! Very young children have fallen in love with the "Dukes" on CMT, just as their parents did 25 years ago.

They love the positive values of our show, its wholesome friendliness, and the fact that Bo and Luke are heroes who always make the right moral choice. How can the producers of this film be so cynical, so jaded, so out of touch with America's heartland as to trash a great family show in this way?

Well, there may not be much we can do, but we have to do all we can. Let's send them a message: "If you don't clean it up, we're not going to see it." Maybe a kick in their pocketbook will get their attention.

Chrysler betrays the General Lee

The General Lee rides again, but Chrysler doesn't want anything to do with it.

Them boys at Chrysler must not get paid to think. They get paid to worry.

MY Website Ain't Up and Runnin!?

Today I got news that David from Dukes Online dot com slapped up a link to this here dukesounds site. Smart boy that David. Smart boy. I say, soon we'll be covered up in visitors. Covered up.

Later today did I notice however, HOWEVER, ..HOWEVER, ... that my site was not working. Not even showin up. Most quick-like, I sent our fancy computer website hostin tech guru a sharply worded electronic letter, informing them that one'a the sites I pay to have hosted was DOWN. NOT WORKIN. AIN'T SHOWIN UP AT ALL!

Thost boys at MIDPHASE work quick, but after a few minutes that seemed like hours had passed, I got a response. And I quote:

"We experience a temporary issue in the datacenter.
There is a network outage. Our tech will fix this problem soon.
Please take our apologize for the downtime.
Thank you very much for your understanding."

Well Mr. tech support numbskull, please take MY apologize for the foot that I'm soon to be placin in your behind. Goodbye.

Movie Poster

JD Hogg here, ...not only did we find out about Slick getting elected today, we also got a sneak peak at that new Dukes of Hazzard movie poster before anybody else could get their dirty grubbin hands on it.

I sent deputy Enus down to the Hazzard poster print'n shop to seize all them Dukes of Hazzard posters and stash'em in the cabinet here at the Boars Nest.

I'll let you folks have a sneak peak though. So don't go sayin I never did nothin for you. Just click on that thang for a bigger one.




That thing is high res or High resolution I'm told. Thats some kind of city slicker term for real big and good.

Slick: Vice President Elect of The Dukes of Hazzard Institute

The buzz around city hall has Christopher Nelson aka "Slick" gettin elected as Vice President of the Dukes of Hazzard Institute.



I knew that local boy would win. Rosco doubted me but I knew it I tell ya, I knew it. That candidate brought somethin to the table that no other applicants had: experience



And his platform was rock solid. ..And I quote:

*Make Daisy Duke shorts mandatory uniform for girls in public high schools. And women's prisons.

*Instead of the Rose Garden at the White House, all international peace treaties will be signed at the Boar's Nest and notarized by Enos.

*Legalize prostitution as long as it's in an RV.

*Administer a paternity test to the General Lee to finally put an end to the rumors that he fathered a gay son who would later go on to star in Knight Rider.

*Big city criminals will be subject to the Three Strikes Law: Three strikes and you have to spend a week in Uncle Jesse's overalls.

*To combat the insurgents in Iraq, all Humvees will be painted General Lee orange and equipped with compound bows and dynamite-tipped arrows.

*End our culture of insensitivity and inequality - all handicapped and mentally challenged people will be referred to as "Cooter".

*Initiate a new classroom flag pledge - "I pledge allegiance to the flag...on the side of the General Lee. And to the car, on which it lands, one Hemi, under the hood, for donuts and air jumps for all".

Slick even has his own vice presidential campaign airplane.



That boy's got a bright future ahead of him. I knew it when he gave his most eloquent opening campaign speech:

"Today is the first day of the rest of history! Too much
time has passed since the Dukes of Hazzard graced the television sets of Americans, instilling real moral values and establishing interesting laws of physics. Too many people today talk of Red states and Blue states. I want to paint all states one color - General Lee orange(!) and make sure that all children shall not go without their daily meal of Luke, Bo, Daisy, Roscoe, Boss, Cooter, Enos and of course, Uncle Jesse. If elected, I promise to labor tirelessly, to moonshine relentlessly, to off-road courageously until the spirit of the Dukes is known from halls of Hazzard County to the shores of San Jose! God Bless, and good morning."



I gets all emotional just thinkin about it. I can remember when he was just another little Hazzard boy chasin around that mobile home maddam and guard'n my liquor money.

Them Dukes

Back in 79 when a high-faloot'n CBS TV executive approached me and asked if they could do a little documentary about my Hazzard County, I wasn't so positive that it would amount to a hill of dried beans. Little did I know that The Dukes of Hazzard would become a cultural phenom, and all those tv watchin Yankees liked to see how we do things up right out here in Hazzard.

Come to find out, CMT, or Country'fied Musical Television as I like to call it, started showin those old documentaries again back before not too long ago, and the renewed interest along with that new movie has me doin a little bit of thinkin. ..Every time it looks like I'm gonna see some sunshine or hit the bigtime, them Duke boys find some way of tearin it up.



This time, I'm gonna see to it that Bo and Luke and that wiley old Uncle Jessy don't get me. I just sent Rosco out to the Duke farm to pick'em all up on numerous charges. Enus went out just lately to pick up Daisy Duke too. Ain't nobody stoppin me now!

Dukes of Hazzard Audio Clips

Hello internet, got your ears on? This is J.D. Jefferson David Boss Hog speakin, …over. …Soundboards?! What soundboards? ..Oh, the Dukes of Hazzard Soundboard! ..Why of course I know what I’m talkin about! Do you know what you’re talkin bout? Do I know what you know that I know what you’re talkin bout! What?!! Hey! Shut your mouth when I’m speakin at you boy!

Yes, yes, YEAH, …those soundboards are gonna be made. When Boss Hogg says Soundboards are gonna be made, …soundboards, are gonna, be made! You understand me? You, YES YOU. Let me tell you somethin boy. It ain’t no walk in the park to produce no soundboard. It takes effort. It takes sweat. Nerd sweat. You think my nerds ain’t workin hard on it?! Huh!? You think my nerds don’t work doubly hard when I say "work HARD nerds!" You think my nerds don’t work extree fast when I say "work extree FAST nerds"!

They’s workin hard, AND they’s workin fast. We's gonna have us the best Dukes of Hazzard sounds page in all the internet folks. And it'll be here at this page real quicklike. So DON't ask me again about MY progress on MY soundboards. I’m on it son. The day I answer to your scrawny butt about MY soundboards is the day pigs fly out of that wannabe Daisy Duke Jessica Simpson's rear end. That's when.

Over.

Dukes of Hazzard Sounds

Today Rosco finally delivered all my Dukes of Hazzard audio clips that he and Enos captured with their sound capturing machine.

I have hereby cataloged all those audio clips and prepared them for our up and coming Dukes of Hazard Soundboard.

Folks, we’ve got 49 Luke Duke sounds, 21 Bo Duke audio clips, 81 Boss Hog sounds from yours truly, 81 Rosco audio clips, 56 Uncle Jessy sounds, and 16 Daisy Duke sounds. Deputy Enos tried to hand them over in WAV format, but I made him get back there and save them all as MP3. Folks if you need to get sumthin done, you gotsta do it yourself – especially if you’re surrounded by idiots.

Gettin it done

Enos gave me an update last night about my soundboards. They's comin along quite quick-like, with all our sounds captured and waiting for integration. In a couple three days we'll be sittin pretty. Ya'll come back soon.

Wait, ..what about my liquor money? ROSCO!!!

The General Lee

Them Duke boys always had that blasted General Lee. Today I found out that the Smith Brothers are busy remaking that same creek jumpin police evading Dodge charger for all kinds of folks. They even found Bo and Luke's old car and fixed her back up! Jumpin Jahosaphat! Those jive talkin grease monkeys don't know what theys gettin into. Mark my word. Quicker than you can say jackrabbit johnson, we're gonna see a General Lee on World's Most Dangerous Police chases, and its gonna get away, even from the heli-plane copter and those city slicker camera crews.

Come in Enos..

Enos come in. Enos? This is JD Hogg speaking. Enos, where are my soundboards? Yes, my soundboards. Those Duke boys better not have anything to do with this. Enos, Blockbuster called. They want their Dukes of Hazzard DVD back. You haven't finished extracting all those audio clips? Enos? Come in. Tell Rosco to FIND THAT serial number for the demo audio software. ENOS!!!?

Steady Progress

Sherriff Rosco has busily negotiated via CB radio with our webhost and domain registrar to secure the dukesounds.com domain name. In case any of you are curious, last year I negotiated a contract with Cingular, whereby all residents of Hazzard County could connect cellularly with the outside world via means of CB Radio. Nevertheless, I'm told the new domain name will help you poor numbskulls find our little soundboard site when the gettin is good. We purchased the new domain name and hosting package with Lulu's credit card. Hopefully she won't find out for a month of Sundays.

A Soundboard whose time has come..

Greetings fellow citizens of Hazzard County and elsewhere. J.D. Hog here. This is where I'll post updates about our little soundboard project. Who wouldn't want to use a soundboard of mine? Who wouldn't want to use a Rosco Soundboard, or an Uncle Jessy Soundboard? I sure would. Daisy Duke? Any takers?

A month back I commissioned Deputy Enos to gather all the sounds he could locate. Boy, has it taken alot of time, effort, and patience.

Times have been hard as of late in Hazzard. Just last month my white cadillac was seized by federal agents, and Lulu had to pawn the pearl necklace her momma gave her. (Lulu is Rosco's fat sister. I married her)

As I continue to manage production of this world wide of a website, with plans of capitalizing on the buzz of a new movie made possible only through the strength of my past efforts, of which I am entitled to a yet un-agreed upon sum of compensation, stay tuned in this space for more updates. JD out.

dukes of hazzard